Everybody was mad at me today. First Jedi, then my mom. Jedi's right, I am being unfair to him. Sigh.. I'm tired of having people around me getting angry at all time. I'm tired of hearing mom's lectures. I know it's good for me, but I feel like I had enough, that i feel like wanna spit it all out.

She told me to move with her to Jogja or Semarang. Leaving Jakarta. I said no, and that's where all this madness starts. Maybe she's right, what really kept me in Jakarta for so long. Jedi? Well, he got his own life now. Will my presence here effect him? Not really, he said it himself. So what the point of holding to nothing?? Mom is so tired of watching me like the way I am for almost a year. Doing absolutely nothing, and gaining nothing as well. I have dissapointed her so bad. Maybe she wished that she got a better, stronger, tougher daughter. I suppose I dont fit her standards.

If you read this Jedi: I cant help myself for having this feeling. I'll say to myself that: you cant fight it, but you sure can hide it, even though it cost your own life. Thanks for the letter. It sure do have lots of cruel words. Maybe at that time I deserve it, but maybe you just looking through and not actually step in. i cant believe you think of me like that, but like i said, 'it's a freedom of speech' :') so speak up. it wont hurt you. Anyway, thanks for forgiving me. I wont take those cruel words on the letter to deep. As long as you ask me to.

Btw, Jedi misses me today. I'm so happy. i really do. You can count how much he said those words with your 2 hands. It's not that often. But I respect and feel gratitude for every single time he said it. I feel blessed. It's like life giving me a drop of fresh, cool waters in the middle of a hard desert.